Tiny Revolutions ā31: The Thing About Bob
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Hi, Iām Sara, and this is Tiny Revolutions, a weekly dispatch of personal writing and links about the art of becoming who you are. Reply anytime, I love to hear from you.
One of my favorite ex-boyfriends is a guy Iāll call Bob. Bob was an eccentric character, at least by California standards. He chain-smoked Marlboro Reds and listened to old school country singers like Waylon Jennings and George Jones and had a giant Chevy SUV that he didnāt drive so much as barreled through the streets. An engineer by trade, his main job was construction, but in his spare time he was building a flamethrower that he had nicknamed āReal Problems.ā I think itās fair to say that Bob was pissed most of the time.Ā
When I first met him I thought he was a curiosity in a āthis fucking guy!ā kind of way, but once I got past his intimidating exterior, I discovered that Bob was actually a beautiful soul. He read good literature and loved animals and was very principled in his way. He didnāt like phonies or pretension and he didnāt stick around when those types of people were present. Plus he used to make me the best fried egg sandwiches Iāve had to this day.
What I liked about Bob was something that Iāve realized is incredibly rare in this world: his purity. Not on the chemical level -- god knows his blood was approximately 50% Jack Daniels -- but on a level of being.Ā
Because the thing about Bob was that he was purely, unapologetically himself 100% of the time. He never did anything he didnāt want to do, and while he had no qualms about telling you something you really didnāt want to hear, he never lied to you either. It made him so much easier to deal with most other guys Iād dated. You just always knew where he stood, and that meant you were either down or you werenāt. It was so simple! (Eventually I was not down for reasons you can probably guess, but thatās another story.)
Iāve been thinking about Bob a lot lately because Iāve been thinking about the idea of personal transformation a lot lately. If youāve been reading this newsletter for a while, you know Iāve had a bunch of insights recently that have me making some big changes. I think itās fair to call what Iām going through a personal transformation.Ā
But what strikes me as interesting is that what Iām going through is not really a ātransformationā per se, but more of an uncovering. As in the changes Iām making are not about me becoming a different person, but becoming a person whose actions are more fully aligned with my nature.Ā
Maybe this is completely obvious, but I think itās worth pointing out because, to me at least, the idea of uncovering oneself seems like a much more appealing endeavor than the idea of transforming oneself. I donāt know about you, but Iām pretty much over the idea of transformation. It sounds both exhausting and doomed to failure.Ā
And yet, when we talk about self-improvement, so often itās couched in those terms. We want to become fitter, happier, more productive, whatever. Itās like the subtext of most of what we buy into or engage with is āhey loser, get up off your ass and finally become someone worthy!ā
But if we operate from the premise that weāre essentially worthy just by virtue of being who we are, itās easier to see that we donāt need to become someone different. The more valuable exercise is to strip away the things that donāt serve or feed us in some way to make room for the things that do. And that is truly where things get real, deep, and meaningful. Because isnāt that what weāre after? To lead a life that matters to us?Ā
As for Bob, he may have had lots of other issues (spoiler: he did), but one thing he figured out long before I did is that thereās no point in trying to make yourself into someone else. That the real work is to just be yourself and let the world engage accordingly. And for that Iāll always be grateful.
On to a few things I found worth sharing this week.
Speaking of being yourselfā¦
Edith Zimmerman writes a great newsletter with comics that are both entertaining and thought provoking, and I highly recommend it. I especially loved this edition about how taking up running has taught her about letting go of expectations.
Cool post from the āmildly interestingā subreddit, which is exactly what it sounds like (and also pretty fun to scroll through when youāre mildly bored). Some librarians put together a list of sensitive subjects so people donāt have to ask them ā just more evidence that whatever youāre going through, youāre never really alone.
A Tiny Assignment
Is there a part of yourself that you tend to hide because you worry it makes you too weird? Show it to someone. See how it feels.
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Sara
p.s. I had a great conversation with a Tiny Revolutions reader last week that made me want to have more conversations with Tiny Revolutions readers! Yāall are an amazing bunch. Let me know if youād be interested in connecting via phone sometime ā we can talk about whatever! Just reply to this message and weāll set something up.
p.p.s. Thanks for reading and sharing! This newsletter has nearly doubled in subscribers in the last few months. I appreciate your support!
I love this! My wife is much like Bob, in that sheās very direct and unapologetically herself, and Iāve learned a lot from her in the years (not even that many) that weāve been together.