This is terrific and needed, Sara. Last year I read The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter. He makes a similar point: we are comforting ourselves to death. Oh, it's 71, I'm cold, please turn it to 72. I don't want to see a Picasso as I walk down the hall, I want to see a Monet.
Of course I'm exaggerating, but your and Easter's point is well-taken: perhaps wee better off confronting what is, even if it's suboptimal, hard, scary, or cringe-worthy. Even if that describes our mental or physical state some mornings. Maybe we better, as my rucking friends urge, embrace the suck. Maybe the effort to tackle the suck head on leads to the breakthroughs.
Embrace the suck!! Yes exactly. That is absurd about Steph Curry, but I do get it. I feel like we're always riding the line between setting ourselves up and avoiding the real work by making it more complicated than it needs to be. I need to read The Comfort Crisis!!
I’m reminded of something I heard was true about developing children when my kids were small, and sure seemed to be true, which was this: when a kid is on the cusp of a developmental leap of some kind and they can sense or see that thing they want to be able to do but they just can’t yet they can tend toward a lot of tantrums. Those tantrums are an understandable expression of extreme frustration at wanting to be somewhere over *there* but being inexorably temporarily stuck *here*. As adults, we learn that tantrums are bad, but that itchy frustration under our skin when we can imagine what we want or what might be possible, should be possible, but isn’t yet still exists.
I think the whole world is there right now, and it makes sense that many of us feel that itchy discomfort. As you say, it’s a feature not a bug, and just like my kids when they were little, we all just have to survive it and try not to do too much damage to ourselves and others until we get to the other side.
My inner toddler is alive and well. So, I am very familiar with this itchy, frustrated, tantrum-y state of being. She tended to act out a lot historically, but I'm trying to learn to keep her better company so she doesn't have to be such a harmful monster, to me or anyone else.
"Here is the hill I am prepared to die on: we as a culture have to stop believing that the goal is to eliminate discomfort." This advice is absolutely what my students need to hear right now. They have to stop hiding from any vaguely uncomfortable discussion or subject (or weaponizing their discomfort as a way to avoid learning anything they perceive as icky or problematic). Thanks, Sara.
Loved this. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my Buddhist study group: you can't fix samsara (i.e., the way things/people are). Also the sneaky way that perfectionism has when I'm feeling particularly foul-mooded and foul-mouthed. On the one hand, I have nothing to complain about. On the other, I've got everything to complain about. It's always both/and. Staying with the feeling instead of trying to get over it...one of the hardest and best lessons.
Sara, I am giving you a standing ovation from up here in Canada! Thank you for this excellent post. I wholeheartedly agree that our culture has swung absurdly in the direction of toxic positivity and it boggles my mind that some folks think they have a problem when they simply feel down or things go awry for a while. Life is hard! It is boring! People are irritating! This doesn't mean we suck.
I chuckled at how many times you mentioned mornings as this has happened to me the last few days - my mornings have rough edges and it's not because I'm hungover or any self inflicted thing. It just IS.
Haha thanks, Donna. The post originally started out as an angry open letter to people who wake up happy!! So triggering to me, a natural born crank. We're not alone!
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man". -George Bernard Shaw.
Your writing is spot on… and maybe the frustration and unhappiness you address lies in our efforts to decide whether we want to be reasonable, or unreasonable on a given issue, and whether we can be at peace with that decision.
Love this so much. Especially this: "True wellness isn't about feeling good all the time. It's about having the capacity to feel everything and still show up. It's about recognizing that our darkest moods, our most difficult states, our moments of pure frustration — these aren't failures of self-care. They're part of the full spectrum of human experience, and sometimes they're exactly what we need to move forward."
About five years ago, when I was deep in my Buddhist studies phase, I developed a mantra: “Feeling like shit is your super power.” The mantra was based on Thich Nhat Hanh: "It is not only your love that is organic; your hate is, too. So you should not throw anything out. All you have to do is learn how to transform your garbage into flowers." I too felt that we avoided our negative emotions to our own detriment! So your post today highly resonates! Although I particularly like your addition of: “…we err too far in the other direction, treating every negative emotion like a problem to be solved rather than a message to be heard.” We perhaps need more composting and digesting than striving and doing.
With THAT said, there’s a call for doing too if matters get out of hand. I’m in the throes of mid 40s rage myself which has now bled into how I treat my coworkers, friends, and family. Not good at all. The message is loud and clear. And after some research and heart-to-hearts I learned it doesn’t have to be this way. So I shall treat THIS one as a problem to be solved. Because I can ALSO become far too addicted to my negativity and victimhood. Ya know, both are true, and all that ;)
I’m stoked about your upcoming training!!! Magical! An incredible journey awaits and I can’t wait to see your flowers!!
Oh absolutely, it is all a never ending dance between feeling and acting! If I have a grand theory of anything, it's that we're all just trying to come into balance, some kind of homeostasis between feeling and acting, being and doing, creating and destroying. A lifetime of work, and thank god for wise teachers like Thich and others!
“some kind of homeostasis” I love that!! You’re so right. It reminds me of yoga and suddenly one day you can balance in Warrior 3 without tipping! But it take soooo much practice. I feel like I’m solid in asana but the mental yoga… I need a lot more work 😝
I am reading 20+ inspiring newsletters every month and so far, this edition of Tiny Revolutions is my absolute favourite. Can't even express how much I need to hear words like these. Great Job Sara!
“…these emotions weren’t distractions to be soothed with meditation apps or dietary changes. They were born from the raw, combustible energy of dissatisfaction, that uncomfortable but essential force that powers transformation, both personal and collective.”
🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥
Soooooo many overlaps to trauma and addiction recovery in here!! There is endless profit to be made by totally disconnected people and entire systems of (finite) power, all encouraging us to bypass and disembody from our individual and collective trauma. It’s reasonably obvious to everyone, including ourselves, that there’s a serious fucking problem when we’re busy getting shit-faced or high, binging and purging, etc. But it’s all so much more subtle—and so verrrrry difficult to name, much less heal—when we become obsessed with socially acceptable forms of addition like fitness and work, etc.
Thank you for feeling your hardest fucking feelings and using their fuel to speak the hard, healing truth. That is the real revolution.
Yes! I feel like we’re in a constant game of whack a mole with regard to ways we can numb out. It never ends. Thank you for reading and for the kind words, Grace!
Burn it all down, I get it. I feel like I’m at war with my own biology- PMDD, hormones, ate a cinnamon roll yesterday and now feel like I could murder everyone in the vicinity. It’s frustrating because it’s so easy to slip into the lie that our spiritual practices are supposed to make those feelings go away. I definitely fall into the camp of thinking negative emotions are problems to be solved, as you said.
Really excited you are going to be a lay teacher at ACZC, you’ve got a solid combo of feminine rage, self reflection/inquiry, and insights. It’s a beautiful thing.
Oh girl, I am so with you. PMDD is no joke and it seems to only be getting worse? I console myself with the fact that it will be over soon. Though that's also such a bummer!!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jenni. It means something to hear that feminine rage is a welcome aspect of my ability to do this work. :)
This is terrific and needed, Sara. Last year I read The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter. He makes a similar point: we are comforting ourselves to death. Oh, it's 71, I'm cold, please turn it to 72. I don't want to see a Picasso as I walk down the hall, I want to see a Monet.
If Steph Curry doesn't get his exact 143.5 minutes of warmup before a game, with an agenda nailed down to the half minute, he can't function and be a superstar. https://www.nba.com/watch/video/stephen-curry-warmup-routine-exclusive-look-nbatv
Of course I'm exaggerating, but your and Easter's point is well-taken: perhaps wee better off confronting what is, even if it's suboptimal, hard, scary, or cringe-worthy. Even if that describes our mental or physical state some mornings. Maybe we better, as my rucking friends urge, embrace the suck. Maybe the effort to tackle the suck head on leads to the breakthroughs.
Maybe it's what leads to the beauty.
Thank you, Sara. I needed this.
Embrace the suck!! Yes exactly. That is absurd about Steph Curry, but I do get it. I feel like we're always riding the line between setting ourselves up and avoiding the real work by making it more complicated than it needs to be. I need to read The Comfort Crisis!!
I’m reminded of something I heard was true about developing children when my kids were small, and sure seemed to be true, which was this: when a kid is on the cusp of a developmental leap of some kind and they can sense or see that thing they want to be able to do but they just can’t yet they can tend toward a lot of tantrums. Those tantrums are an understandable expression of extreme frustration at wanting to be somewhere over *there* but being inexorably temporarily stuck *here*. As adults, we learn that tantrums are bad, but that itchy frustration under our skin when we can imagine what we want or what might be possible, should be possible, but isn’t yet still exists.
I think the whole world is there right now, and it makes sense that many of us feel that itchy discomfort. As you say, it’s a feature not a bug, and just like my kids when they were little, we all just have to survive it and try not to do too much damage to ourselves and others until we get to the other side.
Oh I love that! It does feel that way. Minimize damage, be present, be patient, be ready to act when the time is right. Thank you, Asha ❤️
My inner toddler is alive and well. So, I am very familiar with this itchy, frustrated, tantrum-y state of being. She tended to act out a lot historically, but I'm trying to learn to keep her better company so she doesn't have to be such a harmful monster, to me or anyone else.
Haha you and me both, sister! A daily struggle.
"Here is the hill I am prepared to die on: we as a culture have to stop believing that the goal is to eliminate discomfort." This advice is absolutely what my students need to hear right now. They have to stop hiding from any vaguely uncomfortable discussion or subject (or weaponizing their discomfort as a way to avoid learning anything they perceive as icky or problematic). Thanks, Sara.
Oooof, yeah, I've noticed it in young people especially. Worries me a lot!
Loved this. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my Buddhist study group: you can't fix samsara (i.e., the way things/people are). Also the sneaky way that perfectionism has when I'm feeling particularly foul-mooded and foul-mouthed. On the one hand, I have nothing to complain about. On the other, I've got everything to complain about. It's always both/and. Staying with the feeling instead of trying to get over it...one of the hardest and best lessons.
Exactly! Thankfully we get our whole lives to practice getting it right. :)
Sara, I am giving you a standing ovation from up here in Canada! Thank you for this excellent post. I wholeheartedly agree that our culture has swung absurdly in the direction of toxic positivity and it boggles my mind that some folks think they have a problem when they simply feel down or things go awry for a while. Life is hard! It is boring! People are irritating! This doesn't mean we suck.
I chuckled at how many times you mentioned mornings as this has happened to me the last few days - my mornings have rough edges and it's not because I'm hungover or any self inflicted thing. It just IS.
Haha thanks, Donna. The post originally started out as an angry open letter to people who wake up happy!! So triggering to me, a natural born crank. We're not alone!
Maybe you should write that one too!
Haha might still have to do that!
“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man". -George Bernard Shaw.
Your writing is spot on… and maybe the frustration and unhappiness you address lies in our efforts to decide whether we want to be reasonable, or unreasonable on a given issue, and whether we can be at peace with that decision.
Thanks, Mike! Definitely a dance and I’m hoping more of us will decide to be unreasonable when it calls for it.
Love this so much. Especially this: "True wellness isn't about feeling good all the time. It's about having the capacity to feel everything and still show up. It's about recognizing that our darkest moods, our most difficult states, our moments of pure frustration — these aren't failures of self-care. They're part of the full spectrum of human experience, and sometimes they're exactly what we need to move forward."
Thank you, Courtney!
Thanks for writing this piece—it was exactly what I needed today!
So glad, Karen!
About five years ago, when I was deep in my Buddhist studies phase, I developed a mantra: “Feeling like shit is your super power.” The mantra was based on Thich Nhat Hanh: "It is not only your love that is organic; your hate is, too. So you should not throw anything out. All you have to do is learn how to transform your garbage into flowers." I too felt that we avoided our negative emotions to our own detriment! So your post today highly resonates! Although I particularly like your addition of: “…we err too far in the other direction, treating every negative emotion like a problem to be solved rather than a message to be heard.” We perhaps need more composting and digesting than striving and doing.
With THAT said, there’s a call for doing too if matters get out of hand. I’m in the throes of mid 40s rage myself which has now bled into how I treat my coworkers, friends, and family. Not good at all. The message is loud and clear. And after some research and heart-to-hearts I learned it doesn’t have to be this way. So I shall treat THIS one as a problem to be solved. Because I can ALSO become far too addicted to my negativity and victimhood. Ya know, both are true, and all that ;)
I’m stoked about your upcoming training!!! Magical! An incredible journey awaits and I can’t wait to see your flowers!!
Oh absolutely, it is all a never ending dance between feeling and acting! If I have a grand theory of anything, it's that we're all just trying to come into balance, some kind of homeostasis between feeling and acting, being and doing, creating and destroying. A lifetime of work, and thank god for wise teachers like Thich and others!
“some kind of homeostasis” I love that!! You’re so right. It reminds me of yoga and suddenly one day you can balance in Warrior 3 without tipping! But it take soooo much practice. I feel like I’m solid in asana but the mental yoga… I need a lot more work 😝
Haha yep it never ends!
Ran across this cleaning out my inbox this morning and the re-read was even more nourishing on a rocky morning day. Thank you!!
So glad!! Thanks for letting me know, Dana!
I love this so much. Come play in the space btwn worlds with us this year 🥹? https://radarxyz.substack.com/p/welcome-to-2025-on-building-the-futures
I would like to!! Maybe 2025 is my RADAR year.
I am reading 20+ inspiring newsletters every month and so far, this edition of Tiny Revolutions is my absolute favourite. Can't even express how much I need to hear words like these. Great Job Sara!
Oh wow, thank you so much, Tatiana! So glad it resonated.
“…these emotions weren’t distractions to be soothed with meditation apps or dietary changes. They were born from the raw, combustible energy of dissatisfaction, that uncomfortable but essential force that powers transformation, both personal and collective.”
🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥🖤🔥
Soooooo many overlaps to trauma and addiction recovery in here!! There is endless profit to be made by totally disconnected people and entire systems of (finite) power, all encouraging us to bypass and disembody from our individual and collective trauma. It’s reasonably obvious to everyone, including ourselves, that there’s a serious fucking problem when we’re busy getting shit-faced or high, binging and purging, etc. But it’s all so much more subtle—and so verrrrry difficult to name, much less heal—when we become obsessed with socially acceptable forms of addition like fitness and work, etc.
Thank you for feeling your hardest fucking feelings and using their fuel to speak the hard, healing truth. That is the real revolution.
Yes! I feel like we’re in a constant game of whack a mole with regard to ways we can numb out. It never ends. Thank you for reading and for the kind words, Grace!
This one is excellent, Sara. Miigwech!
Thank you my irritable friend!!
ur my hero
💞
Burn it all down, I get it. I feel like I’m at war with my own biology- PMDD, hormones, ate a cinnamon roll yesterday and now feel like I could murder everyone in the vicinity. It’s frustrating because it’s so easy to slip into the lie that our spiritual practices are supposed to make those feelings go away. I definitely fall into the camp of thinking negative emotions are problems to be solved, as you said.
Really excited you are going to be a lay teacher at ACZC, you’ve got a solid combo of feminine rage, self reflection/inquiry, and insights. It’s a beautiful thing.
Oh girl, I am so with you. PMDD is no joke and it seems to only be getting worse? I console myself with the fact that it will be over soon. Though that's also such a bummer!!
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Jenni. It means something to hear that feminine rage is a welcome aspect of my ability to do this work. :)