Tiny Revolutions №95: You Are the Goal

thinking about when to push and when to let go

Halcyon days, baby

A confession: sometimes when I think about all the ways in which I am not where I want to be in life, I think about how much time I’ve already spent trying and failing to get there and quickly become deflated. And then on a not-great day I just think “ah fuck it, maybe in the next go ‘round.” This is one of the advantages to practicing Buddhism, I suppose — you can always fall back on the idea of reincarnation, whether you’re fully on board or not.

I’m being glib, of course. I know I’m an optimist at heart because I still do things to make myself “better” in one way or another. Which is ironic considering I have also spent a lot of time coming to grips with myself as an imperfect being, just like you and every other human being on this planet.

However, one of the reasons I have spent so much time trying to accept myself for who I am is because it helps get me closer to fulfilling a larger desire: to do the best I can with this life given what I have to work with. 

And I don’t know how to do that without trying! Deciding when to push and when to let go is a daily practice.

Which can be crazy making. It’s tempting to say that we don’t have any actual control (see the whole free will debate) and to just let go and let god or whatever. But on the other hand, none of the amazing shit that I’ve done has happened without me making a conscious decision (and putting in the necessary effort) to do it. 

The truest thing I can say about self-improvement after three+ decades of playing with it is that it tends to go in cycles. Sometimes I try really hard. Sometimes I try medium hard. I’m always trying on some level — it is my nature to be a trier, I can’t help it — but I often daydream about being a *total fucking slouch.* And sometimes I am.

I had a fair amount of downtime over the summer between traveling and lulls in client work and brutal heatwaves that rendered me close to useless. It was nice to be able to slow down, so on the one hand, I loved it. But on the other hand — and as every trier knows — letting go of the need to meet your own (high) standards is its own practice. That’s why we meditate, make lists of what we’re grateful for, make an effort to find the moments of beauty in every day, etc. 

The whole trying/not-trying thing has been on my mind a lot lately because I’m heading into a period where I am focusing more on work so I can afford to move and do some more traveling (see the last issue of this newsletter for details). Which means the days where I can be a *total fucking slouch*, tempting though it is, are limited. 

This is a finely calibrated machine I’m running here — I have to do the practices that keep me healthy in order to do the work I’m good at and well paid for. It’s time-consuming and there’s not a ton of margin for error. If I don’t get to exercise or I eat poorly, or god forbid, I drink any amount of booze, I get thrown off. Everything gets thrown off. 

And yet I also find if I push myself too hard, I become far more likely to do all of the above. 

*

In the weeks since I made the decision to move, I’ve found myself reconsidering everything. Introducing the idea of a big change on the living front has kicked up all kinds of feelings — excitement, sure, but also anxiety, fear, anger, frustration, etc. I’m mostly just noticing these feelings and not being dragged around by them as much as I might have been in the past, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a wildly uncomfortable place to be. 

While I’ve gotten exceptionally good at going with the flow, it seems I am a little rusty when it comes to going after goals. Goals are hard!

What’s helping me currently is to hold my intentions lightly and remind myself that *I* am actually the goal. Because the deeper truth is that I don’t have to do anything but notice what gives me pleasure, what makes me feel alive, what keeps me going — physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually — and what helps me show up for others in the best way that I can, and to act accordingly.

And for that, there is no formula. There is only staying close to me, and trying to have some fun with it in the process.

So the story continues, as it ever does. Day by day by day by day. I’ll keep you posted.

*

On to some things I found worth sharing this week.

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Life Strategy: Have More Fun

As a former member of a group of friends who called themselves the “fun hogs,” I always love a good reminder to have fun with whatever you’re doing. I was glad to stumble upon this episode of NPR’s Life Kit podcast with Catherine Price, author of The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again. A highlight:

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What to Do When Your Side Hustle Becomes a Drag!

I had the chance to speak with writer Eliza Brooke (who, ahem, may or may not be a Tiny Revolutions reader) for this article for Vox about keeping a creative side project going. If you’ve got one going, are thinking of starting one, or are trying to keep one going, I highly recommend this read. So much good advice in here. (Spoiler: try to have some fun with it!)

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The Zen Master Says

Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.

- Shunryu Suzuki in the classic Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

(If you’re on Spotify, you can listen to the audiobook here.)

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A Poem

I just recently came across Chelsea Minnis’s work and was immediately charmed.

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Just Something to Keep in Mind

Smitty @JebTheJarhead

Every corpse on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated individual. Stay lazy my friends.

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Mood

Liminal Spaces @SpaceLiminalBot

Going places, you know.

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It me.

Kushaan @kushaanshah

"If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - EB White

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From the Archives

Last year I wrote about what I learned from a class that helped me “feel out where there’s pleasure, where there’s tension, where there’s confusion, where there’s appetite, and navigate to the lighter places accordingly.”

Tiny Revolutions №67: Playing the Fool

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Hey, what do you know! Another issue in the books. This newsletter is at almost 3000 subscribers, which blows my mind. Thanks for reading, as always.

If you’re so inclined, tell me in the comments about how you work with trying and not trying. Do you find trying to be seasonal, like I do? Have you given up on goals altogether? Are you lost without them? Something else?

😘

Sara

p.s. Share this with someone who needs it.

p.p.s. Paid subscriptions are still turned off. May or may not bring them back, but I’m finding they change the dynamic of this project. THANK YOU to everyone who has subscribed, I love you. And to everyone else, I also love you.