+ Notes on five years of Tiny Revolutions
My Mom died in 2017, and I've come to believe that the death of your mother will kick your ass no matter what your relationship was. How could it not? This is the person you looked to the second you were born. This is surely the person you'll always look to for love, approval, belonging, nurturing, *everything*. I did not have a good relationship with my mother, so my grieving was "complicated" as they say. I remember that for at least a year afterwards I had the strange sensation that there were goings-on in the back of my mind that I wasn't privy to. Not to mention that I was completely discombobulated. It takes as long as it takes. And now when I hear that someone's mother has died... oof. I FEEL YOU.
This post hit me in many ways. Hugs!!! I’m sorry about the loss of your mother. I understand where you’re coming from when you say that you two weren’t exactly close-I’m currently in the same boat with my mom on closeness. She and I use to joke that we’d never be real friends...and in a twist of irony, it’s been true so far. We’re friendly and she’s helped me out many times, but I still don’t feel that closeness that people have described feeling with their moms.
You’re also not alone with depression and anxiety-I also suffer from both of those as well, and have had dealings with each on and off more recently over the past 3ish years, in addition to my whole existence. Take your time with grieving, even if you don’t feel that you should be grieving. Grief is so fucking weird. All emotions and feelings are, but grief especially so. Sending you more hugs!!!💞You’ve got this!
Sara, I have been thinking about you the last few days and meaning to get back here and leave a note. I'm sorry about the loss of your mom, and I understand the experience of disorientation when you lose a parent with whom you were not close, and yet the loss feels enormous. I felt that with my dad exactly, and wanted to share this bit that I wrote about him. It's been nearly nine years now. The grief has mellowed considerably, but it still lingers in the most unexpected ways:
"I have spent the last three years of my life learning how to die. Our lives are full to the brim with dyings, large and small. I do not mean endings, though perhaps they could be called small deaths if they are approached with mindfulness for their significance in the larger scheme. But I am talking about Deaths, those endings that come out of nowhere seemingly, and after which nothing is the same. Nothing.
I thought I was becoming quite adept at death, and perhaps at the very least I have come to recognize it and accept it when it comes. The profound absence, the sense of lack, the whistling as the wind blows through the hole in my chest that Death has blown threw me as she passed.
I will confess that I did not expect the size of the hole, the insistent roar of the wind as it whips through, at the death of my father. I am 42 years old and my father and I have not been close since I was about five. Until I was about five my father was pure magic. He played and laughed and held me in the force of his gravity and that was good. It was different after that, more complicated, more fraught with the tensions of two strong egos pulling and pushing against each other.
But perhaps I should not have been surprised at the enormity of his absence. My father was a big man. He had a big body, a big voice, a big heart, a big Spirit, a big ego and big wounds ( I come by all that I am honestly, as they say). He was beautiful and horrible, as I believe we all are, but not tending to do anything by halves my father's Light and Dark were impressive in their scope."
I will also say that once the living reality of him was gone it was easier. To be myself and to love him. And that's the god's honest truth. XO, Asha
Sending hugs and positive vibes ❤️
Congratulations on five years! Thanks for continuing to share the realities of life with us. Sending you ease during this time of feeling so uncertain. <3
Though I'm loathe to think of my mother as the sun, haha, I think that's exactly it. It's so much bigger than our "rational" adult minds can fathom.
wow my reaction was so emotional. please tell us everything that might help that you try. thank you for illuminating this dark passageway.
I am really appreciating the characterization of brain issues as being a horse that needs a lot of hay. I need to get my horse more hay too.
Sending you lots of love, thank you for sharing this. Resonates on many levels.
Grief is a funny thing, isn’t it. I lost my Dad in December and, while I knew to expect it, I’m still surprised by the ups and downs. Definitely not linear. You are not alone. Sending hugs and honoring the work and vulnerability of showing up here.
Hugs to you, Sara, always.
Thank you for writing this. This has come at a time for me when I needed to read something like this, be reminded of the beauty and courage in others, and not feel as alone as I thought I was.
Thanks for sharing Sara. Sorry abt yr Mom. Just got home from Buddy Guy concert. Seen him a couple times at his height!! He’s 87 tonight: voice & guitar still powerful. He walked near me and I got all teary eyed seeing him right there b/c he’s a treasure on his farewell tour. Sad, joyous, victorious. He told stories of Mississippi - the disrespect - and other BS wrapped in grace & humor. How does he do it? Bluesmen r American zen masters w style. As time goes on I have learned that grief is love and love never dies so grief like love walks w you all the days of your life. Grief is walking down the street crying & understanding things you never did before and you can’t go back. Congrats on stopping drinking. Nothing lasts forever. And everything is just for now. Congrats on your five year Tiny Revolutions anniversary & many more.
Just wanted to send some positive vibes from the Midwest. Here for you, friend!